Laurie Halse Anderson
“I am beginning to measure myself in strength, not pounds. Sometimes in smiles”
Fat. A three-letter word that I grew up fearing. “No comas mucho que te vas a engordar,” meaning “don’t eat too much or you’re going to get fat.” Growing up, being fat was a fear tactic- no fast food because that makes you fat. While that statement is not entirely untrue, I have always had a complicated relationship with food, and statements like that always make me feel some way.
My earliest memory started in middle school, and things got progressively worse in high school and college. I would always get praised because I was petite, and my worthiness was evaluated based on my ability to stay petite. It got to the point where I was 22 years old and only weighed 90lbs.
In 2018, I was diagnosed with PCOS. PCOS and my disordered eating did not help with my weight fluctuation. I had an unhealthy obsession with my weight and tried to keep it under 100 lbs. When I started to gain weight inexplicably, I would only eat once a day or go on a liquid diet and try skinny mint detox teas. Anything you can think of, I tried. I would live in the gym, saunas, and yoga classes. I would over-exhaust my body to make sure I was a double zero.
Now, at 29, I thought I had left some of those behaviors and intrusive thoughts in the past. But now they manifest differently. In the past year, I went from weighing 150 and feeling healthy to weighing 180 and slowly re-starting the negative self-talk and body shaming myself.
I recently went to my yearly physical appointment, which I had been anxiously avoiding.
- Because I didn’t have health insurance and did not want to incur medical debt with all the labs and referrals I knew were coming.
- I knew that I had let myself and my health go to shit, and I was scared to see the numbers/ results.
Some days, I find it extremely hard to love the body I live in now. It has been through so much, and yet I constantly resent it for not being better. For the past year, I have not made the healthiest choices. I find myself in a vicious cycle where my PCOS affects my brain and hormones, and then the food I eat further accentuates the difficulties of living with PCOS in America.
I hyper-fixate; within a few weeks or months, I burn out and return to my old ways. The truth is, there is no quick fix but rather a lifetime commitment that I need to make with myself to ensure I am better. I am constantly reminded that I am “bigger” and that I “used to look better.” Better yet, it’s always “ay que gorda estas,” as if I did not have to battle with my own thoughts on a daily basis.
Growing up Latina and learning to love all the flavors and dishes, I find that those dishes that once brought me so much joy are now the literal cause of my pain. I will see a nutritionist soon, but they have not succeeded. In the past, the meals they suggest are foreign to me and left me feeling more frustrated and dissatisfied.
However, this year, I am looking to start experimenting in the kitchen and making variations of the foods I love with different and, healthier, clean ingredients. As I look at pictures from my most recent trips, I cannot help but feel saddened by how I look.
I hope that this 2024 season I can find a balance and fall in love with myself, food, and fitness all over again.
love always,
Analucy
English