New Year’s has never been one of my favorite holidays. I cannot put a finger on why it’s never been a favorite of mine. Recently, I have felt that at the culmination of the year, I leave many things behind, which stirs up too many emotions. The magic I once felt when the clock struck twelve is nowhere to be found.
Year after year, I look for ways to get excited about what is to come. 365 new days of opportunity, but I am always filled with sadness. I long for the days when I excitedly watched the ball drop and ran to hug my parents. I have realized that the magic I felt was all thanks to them- my parents. They put all the love and effort into making my sister, and I feel loved and secure. All of that love spilled into us, and I felt complete.
Recently, I have felt incomplete. My goal for 2023 is to find it within myself to show up for myself and allow myself to feel the joy of the holidays without feeling guilty for those I have lost. I want to wish everyone a happy new year and mean it. I want to cry tears of joy as I embrace my loved ones instead of sneaking away to cry because I feel so alone and so unhappy.
With each new year, I always feel like I am leaving things behind, and although some may say that is a good thing- it certainly does not feel like it. Last year I brought in the new year 2022 in the streets of El Salvador, lighting up fireworks alone. Eventually, I found my friends, and they joined me, and we shared that moment. It was my first time away from my family and tradition. It felt a little lonely, but soon everyone came outside and started wishing friends and family a happy new year, and I finally was able to experience something that my parents would always talk about.
The year before that, I awaited the new year with my immediate family due to COVID-19; it was a year of many firsts. I was always used to being in a space so loud, filled with loud music, affection, and food. 2021 was a year unlike any other. We were all navigating a global pandemic, and we had more or less lost family, friends, and loved ones to the virus. It was very intimate, yet it felt weird.
2023 although I was reluctant to celebrate your arrival. I no longer want to resent the New Year; I want to welcome it with open arms and an open heart. I will challenge myself to be more unapologetic and intentional and reignite the magic within myself.